A Letter to…well, you know.
I know it’s been awhile- it feels like years- in reality, it’s only been 1.
I miss you every day. Since you’ve been gone, there’s been 1 million moments that I wanted/needed to tell you about. It seems as though every inside joke we ever had has made a reappearance and I have no one to laugh with.
I would give almost anything to be able to have 1 untainted day to catch up.
I’m dating Kyle- weird, right? I know you 2 hooked up a bunch of times years ago- you lied about it a lot. That’s okay…I don’t mind.
I saw Matt a few weeks ago. I looked awful. It was awkward. We ignored each other, but it still took my hands about an hour to stop shaking from the shock to my system.
My job sucks this year. I’m really struggling.
The truth is, I’m still struggling to figure out how to exist without you here. It’s really really hard.
Nobody seems to understand how hard it is. Your name still slips out when people ask who my best friend is. When I recount stories, I still say “my best friend”, because “ex best friend” is too hard to explain. To be honest, I usually just pretend you’re dead. I pretended you had never existed for awhile but that didn’t explain why I was so sad all the time. It also didn’t account for the anger…and I’m still so angry.
It’s interesting…the stuff that sucks the worst. Seeing people share lists like “Top 10 Reasons Your Oldest Friend is Your Best”, or things about being so close to someone you’re a part of their family. I realize I have no one’s “wall” to share this stuff too and it’s pretty shitty. I don’t know that I’ll ever have someone like that again- I don’t know that I want to. You see, you were my family, my sister, my soulmate. And when you give someone all that power and love, they can use it to bring you to your knees.
I feel like I’m getting out of a messy divorce. A divorce where we share custody of our petulant, biracial toddler. He’s not coping well, btw.
I feel like after a 15 year marriage, I’m back on the dating scene trying to figure it all out.
I feel really sad a lot.
I feel relieved a lot.
I feel really confused always.
Sometimes, I get drunk and want to text. Sometimes, when I’m sober, I have to hide my phone so I won’t. I know deep down, this is for the best. Like a typical failed marriage, when it was good, it was good, when it was bad, it was poison.
I miss you. That’s not the question. I miss “pregaming” with you, but really just chatting while we choked down shots.
I miss bitching about everything and every one with you.
I miss daytrips to the beach.
I missed you on Christmas.
I missed you on New Years.
But in life, sometimes you miss people and that’s just the way it is.
I don’t know how to live this life without you- some days I’m so sad I’m crippled- but I’m figuring it out.
I hope you’re okay. I hope when things aren’t, you some how pick up the good vibes the part of my heart that will always care about you is sending.
I miss you quite terribly.
And the selfish part of my soul hopes you miss me too.