I want to write the next part of my blog. I really really do. But revisiting your former loves and interviewing them and asking them to tell you about your biggest flaws is very draining. In these moments, it’s nice to be able to lean on friends, but I’ve been leaning extra heavy on those who don’t need the weight simply because this past year I’ve lost 2 friends. Not to death….one to a horrible “thing” and the other to just plain apathy.
I’m sad about these 2 losses every.single.day. I’m heartbroken- well, worse. It feels like a little piece of my heart has died…it’s black and it’s peeling and it’s gross and just takes up space inside of me and makes me sick. And again, I’m so so sad and weighed down- like I’m carrying a yolk around my neck and balancing the weight of the two people who are gone, one on either side of my neck and my back hurts and my neck aches and my heart is still sick so I can barely carry it at all. And the exhaustion. I’m so tired. I feel like I’ve lost the ability to unload. I feel like I haven’t had a real conversation in months. Partially because I’m busy, mostly because I abruptly built up these huge walls around me and I can barely peer out, let alone let someone in (not that I want to). It’s incredibly harrowing and humbling at the same time. It’s also hard to be forced to be so self-aware-to lose two people who were arguably the most important in your life at the same time. It forces you to think about yourself. To think “am I doing something really fucking wrong? Am I terrible?”
And my answers to these questions…they ebb and they flow. Some days I’m very pro-me…but most days I really really struggle with myself. When you base your identity on what a good friend you think you are and then very quickly lose your friends, it’s hard to not hate yourself. It’s something I fight every day.
So I don’t know. I want to write the next part- it’s started and it’s a great story. But it’s also very very hard for me to think about because the next part of the story is about someone who started as just a friend, became something more and became something so much less- essentially it’s about another friend lost, and I don’t know how deep I want to dive into that right now.
I’m sure it’ll only be a couple days of me taking a break so don’t worry (not that anyone would- I feel like 5 people read this thing). I’ll post the next part as soon as I’m able.
Thanks for understanding.