I have had to password protect some of my blogs. If interested in the password, feel free to message me for it. I will give it to you.
I want to write the next part of my blog. I really really do. But revisiting your former loves and interviewing them and asking them to tell you about your biggest flaws is very draining. In these moments, it’s nice to be able to lean on friends, but I’ve been leaning extra heavy on those who don’t need the weight simply because this past year I’ve lost 2 friends. Not to death….one to a horrible “thing” and the other to just plain apathy.
I’m sad about these 2 losses every.single.day. I’m heartbroken- well, worse. It feels like a little piece of my heart has died…it’s black and it’s peeling and it’s gross and just takes up space inside of me and makes me sick. And again, I’m so so sad and weighed down- like I’m carrying a yolk around my neck and balancing the weight of the two people who are gone, one on either side of my neck and my back hurts and my neck aches and my heart is still sick so I can barely carry it at all. And the exhaustion. I’m so tired. I feel like I’ve lost the ability to unload. I feel like I haven’t had a real conversation in months. Partially because I’m busy, mostly because I abruptly built up these huge walls around me and I can barely peer out, let alone let someone in (not that I want to). It’s incredibly harrowing and humbling at the same time. It’s also hard to be forced to be so self-aware-to lose two people who were arguably the most important in your life at the same time. It forces you to think about yourself. To think “am I doing something really fucking wrong? Am I terrible?”
And my answers to these questions…they ebb and they flow. Some days I’m very pro-me…but most days I really really struggle with myself. When you base your identity on what a good friend you think you are and then very quickly lose your friends, it’s hard to not hate yourself. It’s something I fight every day.
So I don’t know. I want to write the next part- it’s started and it’s a great story. But it’s also very very hard for me to think about because the next part of the story is about someone who started as just a friend, became something more and became something so much less- essentially it’s about another friend lost, and I don’t know how deep I want to dive into that right now.
I’m sure it’ll only be a couple days of me taking a break so don’t worry (not that anyone would- I feel like 5 people read this thing). I’ll post the next part as soon as I’m able.
Thanks for understanding.
As the prince rode away, the princess walked into her chambers and hesitantly approached the looking glass. She looked in the mirror, scoffed and said, “Fuck that, I look great,” ran onto the balcony and threw up two middle fingers and yelled for all the kingdoms to hear, “You wish you could get this you mousey little troll. Fuck you!”
The princess then went back to running a baller ass kingdom from her bitchin’ castle and never worried about men again because she was a GODDAMN PRINCESS and ruled a fucking country, and basically had better things to worry about then mousey little trolls on stupid fucking horses. She also knew the fool had a crush on her and she was about to make that happen because a sense of humor is better than being a prince, and being there for someone is better than being powerful. So fuck stereotypes, fuck fairy tales, and fuck the prince who rode away because even though this princess wasn’t Cinderella, she was a cool ass chick and people literally wrote songs about how wonderful she was, so she was probably pretty damn wonderful.