Fears.

A list of my worst fears- constantly growing

  1. That I won’t ever find a mind-altering, world stopping, soul consuming love ever again.
  2. And that I’ll be so unable to settle for anything less I won’t have a family, have someone to come home to, or have children.
  3. That I will settle for less.
  4. That 10 years from now, I will be sitting at a laptop, writing about how I still think of you.
  5. That I’ll actually do slam poetry.
  6. That I’ll never be able to say the things in my head without coming across as insincere.
  7. That my heart will never heal, just be mended.
  8. That I’ll resent my friends forever.
  9. That I’ll never be in a wedding or be someone’s maid of honor.
  10. That I’ll get divorced.
  11. That my brother will marry someone I hate.
  12. That I’ll never lose the weight I want to or really love the way I look.
  13. that no one will ever propose to em

Fuck.

Once, I wrote an essay about scab on my body that healed into a scar.  Once, I wrote things that made sense to me.  It’s very hard to write things that make sense when your world stops making sense.

I used to love someone. I used to love several someones.

I used to love someone who took my virginity in his TV room, several feet away from his parents, as they watched TV.

I used to love someone who told me that I would only be attractive if I lost 60lbs (not that it stopped him from having sex with me whenever he wanted).

I used to love someone who abandoned me at a hotel 3 hours away from home so he could go drink with other girls.

I used to love someone but only when we were in bed.

I used to love someone…but not as much as he loved me.

I still love some of these people, as hard as I try not to.