A Rant of Sorts

It’s taken a couple years of extensive research, but after deep investigation I can now tell you the precise moment your innocence is dead and gone.

The moment you become suspicious of the phrase “Come over and we’ll watch a movie.”

 

Will we?

Or will the opening credits of “40 Year Old Virgin” barely get started before your jean- blocked boner is pressing into my thigh and your tongue is ramming around my mouth.  Occasionally, there’s a lip bite or seven thrown into the mix, all while I kiss back but mentally roll my eyes because while I expected this, even wanted it…what I didn’t expect was to spend 45 minutes browsing Netflix with you, to halfheartedly agree on a movie with have seen 32 times before, and is probably simultaneously playing on TBS right now, only for you to immediately mount me and engage in what I can only imagine YOU think is awesome foreplay. 

I lost my virginity during “Remember the Titans”.  Denzel was giving an emotionally stirring speech while my delighted boyfriend used that to fuel his awkward thrusts.  I had sex for the first time with my first love during Indiana Jones.  Our brief sexual intermission during Harrison Ford’s gun slinging was cut short by a technical difficulty of sorts, but happened regardless.  I engage in this behavior- I embrace this behavior- I DEFINE this behavior.

That being said, I can’t tell you how much I long for the days when “wanna watch movies” meant…watching movies… or at the very most, an excited heart flutter when they inched closer on the couch or their hand brushed yours.  

I wouldn’t mind going back to a time when we would intend to watch a movie and get so swept up in a several lingering kisses that sex became inevitable.  It’s the expectation- the moment when you choose the movie but refuse to get invested because it’s only a matter of time before the move is made… and I can pinpoint that too- the moment he pops a piece of gum in his mouth, it’s game.on.  Get ready, because his bubble cracking mouth is about to rock your world.

There’s this proverb of sorts that people tell virgins- once you have sex, it’s hard to stop or be satisfied with anything else.  I concur. Wholeheartedly.  

But don’t stop watching movies….don’t stop letting butterflies fly around your rib cage when his hand touches yours.

Finish the movie.  Have sex elsewhere.  Leave the movie room.

And if you’re just trying to hook up with a girl, does it really matter what plays in the background? No. SO STOP FIGHTING US.

 

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