The 17 Different Roommates You Have Had or Will Have

 Roommates are  weird- it’s proven.  You’re forced to live with people you barely know and share things. Below are the roommates you WILL come across if you haven’t already.  

The 17 Different Roommates You Have Had or Will Have.

  1. “The Covert Cleaner”- No matter what chore it is, they “cleaned it last time”.  Whether it’s mopping, sweeping, dusting or just taking out the trash, they have been there, done that and it’s your turn. …But they must be cleaning when everyone is asleep because you haven’t seen them lift one finger since you moved in together.
  2. “All or Nothing At All”- If they’re cleaning, it’s going down in a BIG way.  The clothes washer is occupied, so is the dryer, the vacuum is running, the floors are wet and she’s bitching at you for the dishes you just put in the sink.
  3. “The Maury Couple”- No matter how great of a night all of you are having, if they are drinking- they are fighting….loudly.  It WILL escalate, it WILL get dirty and you WILL be wildly uncomfortable for the duration of this battle.
  4. “The Recording Artist”- If they sort of like it, it’s being DVR-ed.  Be it TV, Movie, TV movie- it’s on the box. Not enough space for you to record the Pretty Little Liars season finale? Too bad. 50 First Dates is her “sad day” movie and it’s not going anywhere.
  5. “The DJ”- Whether you’re studying, pregaming, hanging out or sleeping, their iPod is plugged in and their songs are playing.  They get furious if you mess with their mix.  They obviously know what songs to play to “get the party started” (Spoiler Alert: It’s always “Milkshake”) and they can gauge your taste by one look. 
  6. “The Sexually Open One”- Girls, guys, your dad….he/she is open to it and you’re not sure how you feel about it.  They have an open door policy when it comes to sex- basically, they literally leave the door open.  They are either always leaving for a bootycall or always coming from one (see what we did there?) They also answer your questions candidly and are a walking, talking Cosmopolitan that doesn’t cost $4.95.
  7.  “The Chronic Masturbator”- Sometimes thought of as pre-developed “Sexually Open One”, the chronic masturbator is exactly what she sounds like. She uses a vibrator to put herself to sleep, and the loud, undoubtedly horse-powered buzzing slowly becomes your lullaby.  Porn noises trickle under the doorway along with the sounds of self-pleasure paraphernalia.  Batteries go missing from remotes on a semi-consistent basis (royally pissing off “The Recording Artist”) and the silence following the buzzing haunts you in a weird way.
  8. “The Decorator”- Halloween? You’re carving pumpkins.  Christmas? Tree cutting needs to be scheduled.  Easter? Easter egg dying and bunnies everywhere.  Hanukkah? There’s a giant menorah in your kitchen and NONE OF YOU ARE JEWISH.  The queen of dollar store decorations, the winner of the Wal-Mart clearance section, this girl is always themed, always decorated, thus by default you are as well.
  9. “The Party Pooper”- “Guys, it’s getting kind of loud,” she said at 8:30 PM on a Saturday night ON HOMECOMING.  “Are you sure you should be going out?” she asked one Thursday evening, at 7:30PM BEFORE CLASSES HAD EVEN STARTED.  “If you get caught with pot in your room, we’ll all get in trouble.” OH MY GOD.
  10. “The Boyfriend”- At some point, you will unwillingly live with your roommate’s boyfriend.  He will sneakily start to take over your space, your business and your life.  Living with boys is a pain in the ass, especially when you’re not getting any from any of them and you’re most certainly not getting any from your roommate’s boyfriend (unless you’re a terrible person). He’s there when you wake up, he’s there when you are wet and wrapped in a towel, he’s there when you’re sick and you’re there when he is all the aforementioned things. It’s basically all the terrible parts of a relationship and none of the sex.  WHY.
  11. “The Party Girl/Guy”- Tryin to do Molly? They’ve got some.  Tryin to do some coke? They’re down.  Tryin to do some meth? That’s not their scene at all but if you want them to make a call….They’re basically down for anything, all the time. You’ve walked in on them sipping wine, on the floor, trippin’ BALLS.  They’ve gone out and not come back for two days then gone straight to a final and aced it. How? Because this is their way of life.  They know they have limits…they just haven’t found them yet.
  12. “The Single One”- The one who constantly complains about “The Boyfriend”.  She’s single. She hates being single. She won’t let you forget it.
  13. “1/2 of a High School Sweetheart Couple”- Condescendingly looks at “The Boyfriend” as a passing phase because no one can know love like her and her “baby”.  Who cares if they haven’t seen each other in over 3 months and have broken up and gotten back together via text 7 times?  Skyping twice a week TOTALLY makes up for it and they are TOTALLY still in love, OKAY?!
  14. “The Homebody”- “Do you wanna go out?” “No…not tonight. I really wanna watch ‘The Following’”.  Every. Time. EVERY. TIME. They’re door is always closed, they never set foot in the living room, and the worst part?  They’re a wonderful person! All you want is to be close, personal friends, after all you do live together but they never want to come out, they never want to hang out so it’s just not destined. 
  15. “The Counter”- “You had six of my chips, and the bag cost $3 so you owe me roughly 24 cents, which is fine, I’ll just take it out of my rent and add it on yours.” Wha…What just happened??
  16. “The Wise One”- She’s been through it all and she has a little bit of all the above in her.  Whether it’s 12am or pm, her door is open (figuratively) for you to come in and ask her all of life’s questions, and she has most of the answers.
  17. “The Normal One”- This doesn’t exist. 


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