10 Things About Online Dating

Whether you’ve dabbled in it, you’ve met someone from it or you’ve sworn you’ll never do it, chances are you’ve had some interaction with popular online dating websites.  There’s Match, eHarmony and the less formal OKCupid and Plenty of Fish and those are just the sites I know off the top of my head. While you may be warned by everyone and their cousin that you’re going to meet an ax-murderer or Ted Bundy, nobody tells you the smaller inconveniences of online dating.  So while you should be careful that you’re not accidentally talking to someone from the cast of “Deliverance”, you should also know be forewarned about the following.

  1. Notifications: Nobody tells you exactly how often you will be contacted:  All day, everyday is a solid rule of thumb. Turn off your push notifications because that shit is going to blowing up all.damn.day.  Tinder? “It’s a match!” OkCupid? “It’s a match!” POF? “Whatever ‘POF’ Says”.  “Creepster420 sent you a message!”  Oh? Oh really? Well great. I don’t give a shit because he put “420” in his username and that’s just too ridiculous for me to even justify with an explanation.
  2. Clones: Nobody tells you that everyone’s profile is the same:  “I hate self-summaries.  I don’t really know what to put here. I’m a laidback guy…always down for a good time. I like partying with my friends and going out.  E-A-G-L-E-S!”
  3. Sex: Even if they don’t say they want “casual sex”…they want casual sex.
  4. Pictures: Whether you have 14 pictures on your profile and/or you’re linked to your Instagram, that’s not enough. Not even close. You are solicited for pictures on a rolling basis with shocking regularity.  “Send me a pic of you right now.” “What are you wearing?” “Wanna Skype?”
  5. Lying: All those warnings about how complicated lies make everything begin to apply to your life. Because you’re the one lying. “What are you wearing?”….uh….a stained t-shirt telling me to “Get Myself Tested” and my ex-boyfriend’s sweatpants.  “Send me a pic of you right now.” Absolutely not. So you search for a pic in your phone of a selfie that looks like it could have been from right then…but you don’t have one on your phone, so you have to scroll through Instagram. You find one of you with a friend. “Oh, are you with someone right now?”….no. You haven’t been with anyone in days because you have your period and haven’t left your room except to pee and get ice cream in over 72 hours. But you lie. You lie deeper and deeper until you lie away any chance of ever actually meeting this guy because you’ve created an entire alternate universe version of yourself at this point and you don’t even know what’s real anymore.
  6. Good: Oh wow…things are actually going super well. You’re texting regularly. You’ve made the shift to Snapchat friends and now you’re actually Facebook friends and he’s liking your pics and statuses and why wouldn’t he…you’re one clever bitch.  But uh….when do you initiate the hangout? How do you initiate the hangout? You’ve grown kind of attached to this texting thing (despite not saving his number in your phone yet), and what if actually hanging out ruins it?
  7. Bad: You bite the bullet and invite him to hang out. He says no or makes various excuses. You’re definitely being catfished.
  8. Ugly: He agrees to meet up….he’s ugly.
  9. Sex 1.5: Despite being ugly, he still ends the date by leaning in and ramming his tongue down your throat. He drools on you a little bit. 
  10. The best part of online dating: Creepster420 just messaged you! “Tonight was fun…next time, maybe we can hang out at my place. J 😉 😉 ;P 8======D….and so on and etc.” Do you want to block this user? Yes. Yes. 1000 times, yes. 

One Comment

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  1. blogsbuildingsandboyfriends June 5, 2014 — 3:44 pm

    Love this. All so true. The commercials make it look so easy and straight forward, and like they are all that hot! They’re not. There’s like, 2 of them.

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