10 Painful Things of Moving Home After Graduation
College offers you a kind of incomprehensible freedom…one you might not fully appreciate until your back under your parents’ roof and in this day and age, moving back home is all but inevitable. Below is a list of some of the hard realities of going from a weekly phone call to Mom and Dad to calling Mom and Dad “roomies”.
- Your parents LOVE to ask questions. They LOVE it. Whether it’s about your job hunt or what you did during the day, they’re going to ask you about it…and you’re probably going to lie. You lie because while your roommates didn’t care, you have a feeling your parents will, that really, all you did today was lazily peruse Craigslist for job postings, and masturbate.
- Your parents taste in TV shows is atrocious, but rather than suffer through another “Mike & Molly” episode, you decide to educate them on “Game of Thrones”, forgetting the whole first season is basically Khal Drogo fucking Daenerys. Staring straight ahead looking anywhere but at YOUR FATHER, while the sound of flesh-slapping goes on FOREVER is scarring, to say the least.
- Casual Monday night hookups and booty calls are a thing of the past because there is NO way you’re getting out of the house after 11PM because of #1.
3.5 If you do manage to get out, it’s to have sex in someone’s car because your hook-up probably lives at home, too. You have to tell him to park a block down the road and you have to pray your dogs don’t hear you sneak out and start barking. You’re stuck doing amateur gymnastics in the back of a jeep with your neck bent at a horrifying angle simply because the idea of your parents catching you having sex is worse than temporary paralysis.
- Shower sharing and your too tiny water heater. Gone forever are the days of endless hot water. Your 4-person family starts the day at 8AM and the water heater ends its day at 8:27.
- Getting drunk on weekdays, whether it’s Quizzo, karaoke, or just because you’re an independent person and you deserve it, dammit!…is like, the worst. Your parents WILL start slyly leaving AA pamphlets out, they ask so sincerely if you’re okay, and you’re forced to sneak out to these illicit events and either not drink or find a DD because….
- You’re stuck. Unless you live somewhere cool, you’re stuck driving anywhere worth going. Snow days? You’re stuck. Power’s out? Hello, 7PM bedtime. Living at college, you can always find something to do. Whether on or off campus, power or no power, you can always drink with your roommates (or someone). When “drinking wine with my roomies” turns into “playing scrabble by candlelight with Mom, Dad and Alex”, life takes a very sad turn.
- Your room cleanliness is called into question- the yogurt cups and half-empty water bottles that previously decorated your windowsill are now in the trash (as they should be, but that doesn’t make you any less bitter).
- Your financial habits are brought up and you are interrogated- When you come home with four Forever 21 bags, all filled with needless accessories and thing t-shirts with snappy phrases, your parents do not hesitate to bring up student loan payments and their fast approaching due date. This also means…
- Your mails is examined, thoroughly, before it is passed onto you- 5 parking tickets, a credit card bill AND a Birchbox? They know it all before you’re even home from work and do not hesitate to text you, subtlety mentioning those pesky loans and bringing us back to pesky #8.
- The most painful thing about moving home is admitting you were wrong about a lot of things. Mostly, your parents actually are kind of cool as shit and even if they ask you 47 questions about your FWB and guilt you into not going out on a Thursday and watching bad TV with them (with their incessant commentary) there are worse ways to spend the night.